get it, girl.

When I first arrived here, I walked in on the first day of class, selected a seat in the back row (by the way, there are only two rows), and sunk into it -- pretended that I was invisible.  Even with a class of twenty-something, I thought that I could fade into the background.  "Maybe if they don't remember my name, they can't hold me accountable to anything."  I could just treat these next couple of months as a blip in the timeline. 

I realize that I've spent most of my short life sinking, slumping, and trying to disappear.  I was a pretty mediocre student.  I mean, to the extent that I was incredibly adept at following the rules.  In elementary school, I learned that following the rules made you impressive.  Excellence was my validation.  In college, I would walk into 500 person lecture halls and sink into cushioned folding chairs, drinking a latte and tearing crumbles of a bran muffin onto some scattered notes.  My thoughts on the material I was responsible for mastering became a tiny 90 kb file shot off into cyberspace or printed off and burned in some victorious beach bonfire after the year was over.  I have wasted hours and days and weeks putting my energy into subjects and notes and information that I could really care less about. 

I made rule-following my way of living.  If I ever strayed from the stringent regimen that was either given to me or self-created, I felt like a failure.  Now I suppose I'm being rather harsh on myself, and perhaps, on those of you who know what I'm talking about. . . nothing is ever truly wasted, if it took that much time for me to arrive here, where I am now. 

I don't want to spend my life falling through the cracks anymore -- deferring responsibility until it's explicitly given to me.  I don't want to wait for someone to give me the go-ahead or give me rules to obey.  If I know what I want, no institution, no amount of prolific note-taking, no standardized program, no top-notch bonafide methodical system will get me there.  No one is going to get it for me.  Sitting back and wondering if anyone notices you won't get you to where you need to be. 

"If you do not have a goal, it is not likely you will ever succeed." 

I've always felt justified in my passive way of thinking because it's always been about God's will in my life and waiting for His signal, His word, and His "okie dokie, Tiffany!  Green light!"  But what if His will is me?  What if His will is comprised of the passions, the love, the fire, and the life that He created me with?  I don't need to keep asking and wondering if I heard correctly, because I know who I am and who He has made me to be and do.  I don't need to second guess His will because it's living and breathing me.  Waiting on the Lord?  Why?  He's already here! 

So, red or blue?
Now or later?
More or less?
Closer or farther?

Make decisions in your life and commit to them.  GET IT!