Perhaps I owe you an explanation. An explanation about 3 months overdue. Were it not for my very extreme, almost steroidal case of jetlag, I would not have even attempted to explain where I've been in these last three months. Alas, here I am, waiting for my kettle to brew, and ready to sit down with some High Mountain Good Tea (yes, this is the actual brand name) to tell you stories. Just you & me, blog. . . at 4 am, with the light on.
Well, it's incomprehensible how quickly 6 months at G42 came and went. Never have I ever spent my time as wisely as I did there -- and it was probably the best decision I've ever made to get on a plane and get my ass over there. We graduated on June 20th, and I left the very next morning, with a heavy heart, but a filled spirit. Looking back and reminiscing, I can only say that my time there was the most "alive" I've ever felt. That is not to dismiss or render insignificant the other important milestones in my life, but, I mean to say . . . it was very different. It awakened a different side of me and awakened the me that I think I've always wanted to be and always have been. I will always look back on it with gratitude.
A friend told me the other day that I needn't fear regressing into the person that I once was. I needn't fear the same battles, the same struggles, or the same demons in my life. She told me that even if I did "go back," I still wouldn't be the same. It would be under different circumstances, and it would be a stronger "me" facing the old "me," which would look entirely different. We grow with experience, and sometimes -- oftentimes -- we doubt that growth in ourselves. We doubt the propensity that we have to actually, really, honestly, change. Modern cynicism gives us a way out of facing our shit: "Once a cheater, always a cheater." What a hopeless world this would be if that were the truth. Our issues and our shortcomings are a permanent part of us that we just have to live with, and so are those of others. Do you know why the children of child abusers eventually become abusers themselves? Or why infidelity seems to run its course, passed down the generations? Or why we become the very person that we have a crippling fear of becoming? Just that reason: the fear that cripples us. Our mind gets so fixated on the bad. Stay away from the bad. Don't pay attention to the bad. I won't succumb to the bad. Of course, whatever you spend the most time thinking about is what you will eventually become. You study it, and you know it so well. But that's the fate of someone who doesn't believe that change can be permanent, if chosen.
The biggest reasons for this "change" I keep talking about are of course, Jesus and community. . . but for the first time ever, I believe way up there with the Holy Spirit, were the influential leaders of G42. Without them, the program would most assuredly not be the same. For the first time in my life, I had mentors and disciplers actually invested in my well-being, and authority figures who were not out to lord their power over me, but to crush me with love and push me into my challenges. Without a shadow of a doubt, I grew immensely from this rare and oftentimes grey relationship dynamic. Having always shied away from becoming too close to elders, or the well-seasoned, I was always afraid that I would disappoint. The biggest lie in my mind was, "If they really knew me, and if they really found out the things I've done. . . they would not approve." I would never allow myself to approach for this ridiculous fear. G42 helped this some. . . but it's still something I'm working through. Still, we have to start somewhere, and I love and respect each and every one of them so much for their sacrifices and for their love of the Lord.
I miss my quaint little life in Mijas, but I know that the family that formed there will always exist and I'm not closing the door. The lessons I've learned will follow me now, and will shape me for the rest of my life. There's only up from here!
Before Graduation, we organized an Appreciation Night of sorts for our amazing staff. Abby and I considered going into event-planning because it was such a great night, but then we realized that that would shave 20 years off our lives because of the stress. (At least on my part. Abby doesn't seem to be bothered by inordinate amounts of anxiety and preparation) Everything was hand-made with lots of love and lots of hard work, and it was so worth it.
Jars of white flowers and tea light candles scattered around :)
Well, it's incomprehensible how quickly 6 months at G42 came and went. Never have I ever spent my time as wisely as I did there -- and it was probably the best decision I've ever made to get on a plane and get my ass over there. We graduated on June 20th, and I left the very next morning, with a heavy heart, but a filled spirit. Looking back and reminiscing, I can only say that my time there was the most "alive" I've ever felt. That is not to dismiss or render insignificant the other important milestones in my life, but, I mean to say . . . it was very different. It awakened a different side of me and awakened the me that I think I've always wanted to be and always have been. I will always look back on it with gratitude.
A friend told me the other day that I needn't fear regressing into the person that I once was. I needn't fear the same battles, the same struggles, or the same demons in my life. She told me that even if I did "go back," I still wouldn't be the same. It would be under different circumstances, and it would be a stronger "me" facing the old "me," which would look entirely different. We grow with experience, and sometimes -- oftentimes -- we doubt that growth in ourselves. We doubt the propensity that we have to actually, really, honestly, change. Modern cynicism gives us a way out of facing our shit: "Once a cheater, always a cheater." What a hopeless world this would be if that were the truth. Our issues and our shortcomings are a permanent part of us that we just have to live with, and so are those of others. Do you know why the children of child abusers eventually become abusers themselves? Or why infidelity seems to run its course, passed down the generations? Or why we become the very person that we have a crippling fear of becoming? Just that reason: the fear that cripples us. Our mind gets so fixated on the bad. Stay away from the bad. Don't pay attention to the bad. I won't succumb to the bad. Of course, whatever you spend the most time thinking about is what you will eventually become. You study it, and you know it so well. But that's the fate of someone who doesn't believe that change can be permanent, if chosen.
The biggest reasons for this "change" I keep talking about are of course, Jesus and community. . . but for the first time ever, I believe way up there with the Holy Spirit, were the influential leaders of G42. Without them, the program would most assuredly not be the same. For the first time in my life, I had mentors and disciplers actually invested in my well-being, and authority figures who were not out to lord their power over me, but to crush me with love and push me into my challenges. Without a shadow of a doubt, I grew immensely from this rare and oftentimes grey relationship dynamic. Having always shied away from becoming too close to elders, or the well-seasoned, I was always afraid that I would disappoint. The biggest lie in my mind was, "If they really knew me, and if they really found out the things I've done. . . they would not approve." I would never allow myself to approach for this ridiculous fear. G42 helped this some. . . but it's still something I'm working through. Still, we have to start somewhere, and I love and respect each and every one of them so much for their sacrifices and for their love of the Lord.
I miss my quaint little life in Mijas, but I know that the family that formed there will always exist and I'm not closing the door. The lessons I've learned will follow me now, and will shape me for the rest of my life. There's only up from here!
Before Graduation, we organized an Appreciation Night of sorts for our amazing staff. Abby and I considered going into event-planning because it was such a great night, but then we realized that that would shave 20 years off our lives because of the stress. (At least on my part. Abby doesn't seem to be bothered by inordinate amounts of anxiety and preparation) Everything was hand-made with lots of love and lots of hard work, and it was so worth it.
Hand-written invitations to shame a type-writer
Custom-designed.
Jackson made an introduction to the event, and they opened their invitations afterward.
They had no idea!!!
Utter shock on their faces, apparently.
The night of the dinner. Table set out on our terrace overlooking the Med.
Jars of white flowers and tea light candles scattered around :) 
Hand-written name cards and hand-written menus.
Oh, & we made the napkins out of a giant pillowcase. haha.
Liz made some yummy hors d'oeurves.
Kitchen crew.
Our wait staff!
Enjoying appetizers & drinks before dinner.
All the beautiful people.
Having fun in the kitchen.
Cabbage Leaf & Refuse team up.
Musical interlude amidst all the craziness.
We also made paintings for each staff member.
Boeuf Bourginon vol-au-vent
First time recipe.
:)
:)
Andrew approves?
Shanda on one of her laughing fits.
Backstage staff getting a breather.
pretty amazing.
menage a cats.
We kind of look like a GAP ad.
Or a United Colors of Benetton ad, except without colors.
Guess I was the only one having fun.
Besties.
If I were a velociraptor.
Video time.
We made it, yeah!
Appreciation/sharing time.
Notice Glenalyn in the back, wiping away tears.
And now, for graduation photos!
Hipsters.
Too cute.
Jackson lecturing Shanda?
We love the wine museum :)
We had our graduation in the secret garden at Aroma Cafe. So beautiful!
This photo is just ridiculous.
Dr. Jackie.
Getting some big jackie love :)
And that's a wrap!
Thanks, G42, for an unforgettable 6 months ;)
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